Girlfriends are very abusive creatures. A thread 😒
When they're home they are insomniacs, expecting you to chat to them the whole time. When they come over they sleep like babies. HOW?
As a matter of fact, they nag you to put on their favourite movie, then fall asleep 10mins into the movie 😒
They come over, tell you the drama they go through with their girls, then fall asleep when u give then your piece.you are left outchea giving advice to a corpse
You go out for lunch. They order what they want. Trick YOU into order something THEY want. Now they got TWO of their fav meals in one date 😒
When y'all go out:
You: "babe its cold grab a jacket"
Her: "No babe I'm good don't stress"
Her an hour later: "Im cold 😩"
You: 😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕
Nowyou have to give up ur jacket (WHICH YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK, BTW) and freeze your ass off like you didnt tell her to get a damn jacket before!
They invite you to a chillas with their friends then try make you befriend their girl's bf...WTF is this, a boyfriend play date??? 😕😕
They never get drunk when they are with the girls. But when you are around, they are Litmus Prime! Now you here playing bodyguard from Beijing 😒😒till you get home
You wake up first, you have to find something to do till she wakes up. She wakes up first, EVERYBODY has wake up!! 😒😒
In bed you are not her boyfriend.you are her personal heater for her cold ass hands & feet.WTF do you do all day anyway, carry ice blocks and ice skate barefoot for you to be this cold? 😨
You: "babe what should we order out for tonight's dinner?"
Her: "Anything babe"
You: "ok. Pizza"
Her: "Ugh I don't feel like pizza"
You: 😕😕😕😕😕(she said anything)
She says something that makes you mad.Then get mad @ you for being mad @ her.Now you are apologizing for being mad @ her because she's mad @ you for making you mad.......
I'm @ a stage I don't understand women...
When they're home they are insomniacs, expecting you to chat to them the whole time. When they come over they sleep like babies. HOW?
As a matter of fact, they nag you to put on their favourite movie, then fall asleep 10mins into the movie 😒
They come over, tell you the drama they go through with their girls, then fall asleep when u give then your piece.you are left outchea giving advice to a corpse
You go out for lunch. They order what they want. Trick YOU into order something THEY want. Now they got TWO of their fav meals in one date 😒
When y'all go out:
You: "babe its cold grab a jacket"
Her: "No babe I'm good don't stress"
Her an hour later: "Im cold 😩"
You: 😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕😕
Nowyou have to give up ur jacket (WHICH YOU WILL NEVER GET BACK, BTW) and freeze your ass off like you didnt tell her to get a damn jacket before!
They invite you to a chillas with their friends then try make you befriend their girl's bf...WTF is this, a boyfriend play date??? 😕😕
They never get drunk when they are with the girls. But when you are around, they are Litmus Prime! Now you here playing bodyguard from Beijing 😒😒till you get home
You wake up first, you have to find something to do till she wakes up. She wakes up first, EVERYBODY has wake up!! 😒😒
In bed you are not her boyfriend.you are her personal heater for her cold ass hands & feet.WTF do you do all day anyway, carry ice blocks and ice skate barefoot for you to be this cold? 😨
You: "babe what should we order out for tonight's dinner?"
Her: "Anything babe"
You: "ok. Pizza"
Her: "Ugh I don't feel like pizza"
You: 😕😕😕😕😕(she said anything)
She says something that makes you mad.Then get mad @ you for being mad @ her.Now you are apologizing for being mad @ her because she's mad @ you for making you mad.......
I'm @ a stage I don't understand women...
So unknown number messaged me and deleted it, So I replied him/her and deleted it also... You think you're the only that's mad in this country😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈
👆👆Slayqueens will kill us. Her friends did not even tell her what's that.😂😂😂
I WILL NEVER EAT MUTURA AGAIN
Threaɗ Threaɗ!!😂😂😂😂
I had to spend thursday night in kikuyu town due to work related reasons. one thing I noted is that, there were hundreds of vibandas that sells mutura, ulimi, liver, chicken feet anything in a living animal was sold and eaten.....
Being a mutura enthusiasts, I visited a joint and bought one whole mutura that I ate on the spot as supper, ..
In the morning, I woke up early, took a shower and decided to take a bus to Nairobi....
The journey had started well. Suddenly, I was awoken by a rumbling tummy, my tummy. I immediately thought of the"fucking" mutura.
My tummy was rumbling repeatedly. Then I felt like farting (I know that farting is disgusting but I had no other alternative, for that I apologize)
I slightly raised one of my butt cheeks and released one long fart, slowly to avoid an avalanche of farts ssssssssssssssssssssssssss , next to me, on my left sat a pregnant woman, (a very pregnant, very very pregnant).
The bus went on
At this point, more farts lined up like billiard balls. I released one after the other,,,,,, I painfully held on the next fifteen farts.
Number 16 could not be contained, however much I tried. It came out forcefully, so I bent at an angle and released a long slushing one sssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssss
the woman next to me, was awakened by the smell.
"hiyo ni sewage? nachukia harufu ya sewage Sana" she said
"pia mimi" I answered "
After like six minutes, I unleashed number 17. .. Number 17 smelt horrible, I gigged. The woman opened her eyes wide, tears filled her eyes
"kwani hii sewage inatufuata?" she shouted.
"ayaayayayayayayaa, fungua milango na dirisha" I shouted
"hiyo sio sewage, huyo ni mtu amenyamba" an old luhya man said "huyo lazima akuwe ameoza"
We continued but number 18 came,,, number 18s smell caught me off guard.
It smelt even horrible
,, a mixture of battery acid, rotten mutura, sewage and a dead cat all mixed up
"ngai, tena amenyamba?" nikajifanya that I was angry
Three minutes had not passed when someone else farted,, ni kama mashidano brathe,,
This time round, i admitted defeat. That fart brought tears into my eyes.
The pregnant woman was now crying, she couldn't breathe. I pitied her, but I couldn't hold my laughter when she shouted in a luo accent
"AKI NITAZAA JAMENI" as she tried to stand up
"KUNA DAKTARI HAPA KARIBU? HII YA MWISHO IMENUKA MBAYA ZAIDI"
I can even taste it....
TO BE CONTINUED
Threaɗ Threaɗ!!😂😂😂😂
I had to spend thursday night in kikuyu town due to work related reasons. one thing I noted is that, there were hundreds of vibandas that sells mutura, ulimi, liver, chicken feet anything in a living animal was sold and eaten.....
Being a mutura enthusiasts, I visited a joint and bought one whole mutura that I ate on the spot as supper, ..
In the morning, I woke up early, took a shower and decided to take a bus to Nairobi....
The journey had started well. Suddenly, I was awoken by a rumbling tummy, my tummy. I immediately thought of the"fucking" mutura.
My tummy was rumbling repeatedly. Then I felt like farting (I know that farting is disgusting but I had no other alternative, for that I apologize)
I slightly raised one of my butt cheeks and released one long fart, slowly to avoid an avalanche of farts ssssssssssssssssssssssssss , next to me, on my left sat a pregnant woman, (a very pregnant, very very pregnant).
The bus went on
At this point, more farts lined up like billiard balls. I released one after the other,,,,,, I painfully held on the next fifteen farts.
Number 16 could not be contained, however much I tried. It came out forcefully, so I bent at an angle and released a long slushing one sssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssss
the woman next to me, was awakened by the smell.
"hiyo ni sewage? nachukia harufu ya sewage Sana" she said
"pia mimi" I answered "
After like six minutes, I unleashed number 17. .. Number 17 smelt horrible, I gigged. The woman opened her eyes wide, tears filled her eyes
"kwani hii sewage inatufuata?" she shouted.
"ayaayayayayayayaa, fungua milango na dirisha" I shouted
"hiyo sio sewage, huyo ni mtu amenyamba" an old luhya man said "huyo lazima akuwe ameoza"
We continued but number 18 came,,, number 18s smell caught me off guard.
It smelt even horrible
,, a mixture of battery acid, rotten mutura, sewage and a dead cat all mixed up
"ngai, tena amenyamba?" nikajifanya that I was angry
Three minutes had not passed when someone else farted,, ni kama mashidano brathe,,
This time round, i admitted defeat. That fart brought tears into my eyes.
The pregnant woman was now crying, she couldn't breathe. I pitied her, but I couldn't hold my laughter when she shouted in a luo accent
"AKI NITAZAA JAMENI" as she tried to stand up
"KUNA DAKTARI HAPA KARIBU? HII YA MWISHO IMENUKA MBAYA ZAIDI"
I can even taste it....
TO BE CONTINUED
Nimewai dhani dem ana enjoy world class strokes zangu kumbe ana faint katikati ya mechi nikikaribia climax. THREAD.
Kuna time nimewai alikwa house warming party ya dem flani hapo nilikuwa nimemjua for a while, but kufika venue nikapata the other invited guest walikuwa me, myself and I… yaani nlikua solo!
Dem akadai most of mabeshte zake walikuwa committed kwingine but walidai wata make it up to her so alikuwa ame cancel bash but akasahau kuniambia… Selective amnesia tunaelewa!
Anyway, hata wahenga walidai kiendacho kwa mganga hakirudi, dem alikuwa mganga coz kuna venye alikuwa ameniroga… so nikaona nikae kae kiasi nikipima weather ndio niende!
Mtoto alikuwa amekula rangi kama viatu zimepakwa Kiwi, black beauty lakini, ni Yule akipita sai, two minutes later bado kinyambis yake iko kwa line of vision coz imebaki nyuma kama boot ya Toyota NZE!
Convo ilikuwa weird coz nilimjua through beshte ya beshte yangu, in short, ni ile kujuana unajua mtu, mwenye anajua mtu, mwenye anajua mtu mwingine so inabaki mumejuana tu… connections my frends!
Alafu hatujawai interact more than twenty minutes, leo ndio ilikuwa first time but mostly tulikuwa tunasaidiwa na TV ku build conversation… dem akapika chai akaleta na cookies tukipiga story!
Kumuangalia akikula hizo snacks ilikuwa ka kuangalia snack moja ikikula snack ingine, mtoto alikuwa na dimples aki smile unaeza ficha ndani siri… nyonyo zilikuwa small and humble, huwezi pewa kila kitu!
Mansion yenyewe si ati huyo dem alikuwa amehamia hapo recently, alihamia kitambo but alikuwa amedai kufanya bash coz watu hufanya bash na yeye hakuwa amefanya… maisha ya ku copy paste!
So mans nilikuwa na plan vile ntajikata after chai coz kama hakuna bash sikuwa naona biz ya kuwa hapo, ilikuwa kitu 4:30 hapo… mtu akagonga mlango, ilikuwa caretaker wa hiyo ploti!
Si dem akatoka nje, ni kama kulikuwa na issue coz walikuwa wame gather hapo nje wengi, nikaona movie ikaisha, nikaona ingine ikafika katikati… huyo dem akanitext nisiboeke anakam, ako meeting!
So mans ikafika point butt cheeks zimechoka kukalia hiyo couch ya high density ikabidi ni feel at home niweke mguu juu ya ingine kama mwenye nyumba, akarudi hapo around 6:50 bana.
Akadai “Sorry, tumekuwa na brief meeting…” blah blah sitaki kusikia. Akadai if I don’t mind ananialika supper to make it up to me… mwenye alidai “the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach” hakukosea!
Si akaamua kupika supper ya watu wawili, but gas ikaishia njiani… hakuwa na stove, ilikuwa usiku so obvious mahali unaeza buy gas wamefunga so ikabidi tumewasha jiko.
Mtoto wa mtu alikuwa na bidii, imagine jiko inawasha jiko ingine, ndio jiko moja ipike ikitumia jiko ingine… Mshanipata? Yaani wife material alikuwa anawasha jiko!!!
Jiko kuwaka tukaseti ndani then mapishi yakaanza, ilikuwa nyama kwa menu so ni mate tu nilikuwa nameza juu ya tamaa, kwa tumbo minyoo zilikuwa zinacheza ODI dance juu ya njaa na expectations!
After nyama kuivaa nika offer kupika ugali like the gentleman I am, dem alikuwa zile za “Aaaaww you’re so sweet” kumbe aim yangu ni kupika ugali mob ndio supper isikuwe kama appetizer.
By the time tunamalizana supper ilikuwa late, kuwasha jiko na kupika nyama hadi ikuwe soft design hadi kibogoyo anaeza kula ilikuwa imechukuwa time yote, ilikuwa 9:40 already!
Na according to the constitution ukipatikana kwa wenyewe beyond 9:30 unafaa kulala huko, haina haja utembee kwa giza upigwe ngeta na unaeza lala mahali giza imekupata upigane ngeta ya mapenzi… nvm!
Akauliza “Si ni late, utaenda na hii giza?” nikajua hiyo ni invite ya sleep over, akadai naeza crush over, kuna kiti, kuna extra room, kuna room yake, chaguo ni langu… obvious mnajua mahali nilichagua… kiti!
Nani hawezi chagua kulalia kiti? mahali TV iko, mahali fridge iko, mahali mlango iko incase of emergency, but akadai siwezi lalia kiti kwa nyumba yake, that would be rude… reverse psychology ile!
Njaro ilikuwa ku chose the most uncomfortable sleeping venue ndio nionewe huruma ni upgrade hadi master bedroom kwa mwenye nyumba, hata Bible inasema humble yourself and you shall be uplifted.
Si t
Kuna time nimewai alikwa house warming party ya dem flani hapo nilikuwa nimemjua for a while, but kufika venue nikapata the other invited guest walikuwa me, myself and I… yaani nlikua solo!
Dem akadai most of mabeshte zake walikuwa committed kwingine but walidai wata make it up to her so alikuwa ame cancel bash but akasahau kuniambia… Selective amnesia tunaelewa!
Anyway, hata wahenga walidai kiendacho kwa mganga hakirudi, dem alikuwa mganga coz kuna venye alikuwa ameniroga… so nikaona nikae kae kiasi nikipima weather ndio niende!
Mtoto alikuwa amekula rangi kama viatu zimepakwa Kiwi, black beauty lakini, ni Yule akipita sai, two minutes later bado kinyambis yake iko kwa line of vision coz imebaki nyuma kama boot ya Toyota NZE!
Convo ilikuwa weird coz nilimjua through beshte ya beshte yangu, in short, ni ile kujuana unajua mtu, mwenye anajua mtu, mwenye anajua mtu mwingine so inabaki mumejuana tu… connections my frends!
Alafu hatujawai interact more than twenty minutes, leo ndio ilikuwa first time but mostly tulikuwa tunasaidiwa na TV ku build conversation… dem akapika chai akaleta na cookies tukipiga story!
Kumuangalia akikula hizo snacks ilikuwa ka kuangalia snack moja ikikula snack ingine, mtoto alikuwa na dimples aki smile unaeza ficha ndani siri… nyonyo zilikuwa small and humble, huwezi pewa kila kitu!
Mansion yenyewe si ati huyo dem alikuwa amehamia hapo recently, alihamia kitambo but alikuwa amedai kufanya bash coz watu hufanya bash na yeye hakuwa amefanya… maisha ya ku copy paste!
So mans nilikuwa na plan vile ntajikata after chai coz kama hakuna bash sikuwa naona biz ya kuwa hapo, ilikuwa kitu 4:30 hapo… mtu akagonga mlango, ilikuwa caretaker wa hiyo ploti!
Si dem akatoka nje, ni kama kulikuwa na issue coz walikuwa wame gather hapo nje wengi, nikaona movie ikaisha, nikaona ingine ikafika katikati… huyo dem akanitext nisiboeke anakam, ako meeting!
So mans ikafika point butt cheeks zimechoka kukalia hiyo couch ya high density ikabidi ni feel at home niweke mguu juu ya ingine kama mwenye nyumba, akarudi hapo around 6:50 bana.
Akadai “Sorry, tumekuwa na brief meeting…” blah blah sitaki kusikia. Akadai if I don’t mind ananialika supper to make it up to me… mwenye alidai “the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach” hakukosea!
Si akaamua kupika supper ya watu wawili, but gas ikaishia njiani… hakuwa na stove, ilikuwa usiku so obvious mahali unaeza buy gas wamefunga so ikabidi tumewasha jiko.
Mtoto wa mtu alikuwa na bidii, imagine jiko inawasha jiko ingine, ndio jiko moja ipike ikitumia jiko ingine… Mshanipata? Yaani wife material alikuwa anawasha jiko!!!
Jiko kuwaka tukaseti ndani then mapishi yakaanza, ilikuwa nyama kwa menu so ni mate tu nilikuwa nameza juu ya tamaa, kwa tumbo minyoo zilikuwa zinacheza ODI dance juu ya njaa na expectations!
After nyama kuivaa nika offer kupika ugali like the gentleman I am, dem alikuwa zile za “Aaaaww you’re so sweet” kumbe aim yangu ni kupika ugali mob ndio supper isikuwe kama appetizer.
By the time tunamalizana supper ilikuwa late, kuwasha jiko na kupika nyama hadi ikuwe soft design hadi kibogoyo anaeza kula ilikuwa imechukuwa time yote, ilikuwa 9:40 already!
Na according to the constitution ukipatikana kwa wenyewe beyond 9:30 unafaa kulala huko, haina haja utembee kwa giza upigwe ngeta na unaeza lala mahali giza imekupata upigane ngeta ya mapenzi… nvm!
Akauliza “Si ni late, utaenda na hii giza?” nikajua hiyo ni invite ya sleep over, akadai naeza crush over, kuna kiti, kuna extra room, kuna room yake, chaguo ni langu… obvious mnajua mahali nilichagua… kiti!
Nani hawezi chagua kulalia kiti? mahali TV iko, mahali fridge iko, mahali mlango iko incase of emergency, but akadai siwezi lalia kiti kwa nyumba yake, that would be rude… reverse psychology ile!
Njaro ilikuwa ku chose the most uncomfortable sleeping venue ndio nionewe huruma ni upgrade hadi master bedroom kwa mwenye nyumba, hata Bible inasema humble yourself and you shall be uplifted.
Si t