😁39🥱5👍3👏2🤣2👎1
So my friend got a job as a porn star the other day.
His first time doing that. The director comes up to him and says “so for this scene, you're going to be doing missionary sex with that young lady over there”.
My friend, kind of awkward, he says “Ok, so is there any kissing or foreplay, or anything... a blowjob, maybe?" The director says “no, no, since this is your first day on the job, we wanted to start you off in an Entry Level Position”.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
His first time doing that. The director comes up to him and says “so for this scene, you're going to be doing missionary sex with that young lady over there”.
My friend, kind of awkward, he says “Ok, so is there any kissing or foreplay, or anything... a blowjob, maybe?" The director says “no, no, since this is your first day on the job, we wanted to start you off in an Entry Level Position”.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
🤣31👎5👍2
I was pulled over by the police he said “papers” so I said “scissors! I win!” Then sped off. He must want a rematch he’s been chasing me for half an hour!
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
😁41🗿8👍2❤1🥴1
A buddhist monk was looking for his master. After searching for a while, he found him meditating on the other side of the river.
The monk asked: "MASTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
The master replied: "I CAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
The monk asked: "HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?"
"YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!"
#other
@Sickipedia
The monk asked: "MASTER! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
The master replied: "I CAN! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
The monk asked: "HOW CAN I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER?"
"YOU ARE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!"
#other
@Sickipedia
😁36🙏8👍4❤3👎2🤪1
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
No, the cars are much faster.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
😁25😴5👍1
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
😁29🤣11👍1
I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”
She said, “16 years.”
#other
@Sickipedia
She said, “16 years.”
#other
@Sickipedia
😁55😐6
A man walks into a bar carrying a heavy suitcase.
He sets the suitcase down and sits at the bar to catch his breath. He checks the time on his watch, then motions to the bartender and orders a water.
"Sure thing." says the bartender. As he's pouring the water, he notices the man's watch and says "Wow, that's a fancy watch you got there."
"Oh this?" the man replies, "It's packed with a bunch of cool technology. Not only can I search the web and make phone calls on it, but the coolest part is I can download movies on it. Plus it has a built-in 4K projector that will project the movie onto any flat surface, so you can watch any movie you want, wherever you want."
"Wow! That's amazing," the bartender says as he places the water in front of the man. "I bet it cost you a fortune."
The man takes a sip and replies, "It was $100."
"$100?!" the bartender exclaims, "You're joking. I would've guessed way more than that."
"No, in fact I'll sell it to you right now for $20 if you want."
"Done!" the bartender says excitedly, handing the man $20 without hesitation. The man gives the watch to the bartender who immediately puts it on and starts fiddling around with it on his wrist.
The man finishes the water, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he's about to walk out the door, the bartender calls out, "Wait sir, you forgot your suitcase!"
The man replies, "Suitcase...? Oh! No, you'll need that. That's the battery."
#other
@Sickipedia
He sets the suitcase down and sits at the bar to catch his breath. He checks the time on his watch, then motions to the bartender and orders a water.
"Sure thing." says the bartender. As he's pouring the water, he notices the man's watch and says "Wow, that's a fancy watch you got there."
"Oh this?" the man replies, "It's packed with a bunch of cool technology. Not only can I search the web and make phone calls on it, but the coolest part is I can download movies on it. Plus it has a built-in 4K projector that will project the movie onto any flat surface, so you can watch any movie you want, wherever you want."
"Wow! That's amazing," the bartender says as he places the water in front of the man. "I bet it cost you a fortune."
The man takes a sip and replies, "It was $100."
"$100?!" the bartender exclaims, "You're joking. I would've guessed way more than that."
"No, in fact I'll sell it to you right now for $20 if you want."
"Done!" the bartender says excitedly, handing the man $20 without hesitation. The man gives the watch to the bartender who immediately puts it on and starts fiddling around with it on his wrist.
The man finishes the water, thanks the bartender, and turns to leave. As he's about to walk out the door, the bartender calls out, "Wait sir, you forgot your suitcase!"
The man replies, "Suitcase...? Oh! No, you'll need that. That's the battery."
#other
@Sickipedia
🤣34😁7👍3🤔3👎1
This year my son receives his doctorate degree in creative writing and I'm planning on buying him a car.
Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future.
#other
@Sickipedia
Because we're pretty sure he's going to become an Uber driver. Gotta prepare him for his future.
#other
@Sickipedia
🤣33😁6😭3👍2
My daughter accused me of telling dad jokes.
Nothing could be father from the truth.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Nothing could be father from the truth.
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
🤣37😁5🗿4👍1
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
#politics
@Sickipedia
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
#politics
@Sickipedia
🤣39😁10👍4❤2👎2
A man goes to a neighboring village to buy a mattress.
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..
"What's up" says the acquaintance..
"Went to the other village to buy a mattress"..
"How much did you buy it for?"
"200"
"Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day"...
The man is a little pissed but walks on...and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
"Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day"..
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in...
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: "What's up?"
At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
"I went to the other village to get screwed"..
Neighbor: "And you took your own mattress too?"
#other
@Sickipedia
He buys the mattress for 200, lays it on his bike and start the long walk back home.
As soon as he enters his village, he runs into an acquaintance..
"What's up" says the acquaintance..
"Went to the other village to buy a mattress"..
"How much did you buy it for?"
"200"
"Man, you got screwed..I bought a better quality mattress for 175 the other day"...
The man is a little pissed but walks on...and then runs into another acquaintance, and similar conversation follows but this time the guys says..
"Man you got screwed, I bought a better quality mattress for 150 the other day"..
The guys keeps walking, meeting people, everyone telling him how he got screwed, the last one telling him that he got a better quality mattress for 75 + two pillows thrown in...
The guy is massively pissed and as he gets close to his house, he runs into his neighbor..
Neighbor: "What's up?"
At this point, the guy has no patience left and says
"I went to the other village to get screwed"..
Neighbor: "And you took your own mattress too?"
#other
@Sickipedia
😁37🥰4👍1
A guy with no balls gets employed.
A guy gets employed by a company, the company's eorking time is 9-5 but because the guy has no balls they tell him to come at 11 because they just play with their balls till 11. 2 hours after the interview he gets a call sayingthat he needs to attend at 9, puzzled he asks why? The HR guy tells him that they got someone employed that has no hands.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
A guy gets employed by a company, the company's eorking time is 9-5 but because the guy has no balls they tell him to come at 11 because they just play with their balls till 11. 2 hours after the interview he gets a call sayingthat he needs to attend at 9, puzzled he asks why? The HR guy tells him that they got someone employed that has no hands.
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
🤨22😁15🤣5😨5👎3
You can't change a conservative's mind on abortion by convincing them a fetus is not a person.
Try convincing them a fetus is an undocumented person living in their country instead.
#politics
@Sickipedia
Try convincing them a fetus is an undocumented person living in their country instead.
#politics
@Sickipedia
🤣74👎7👍6🤡3👏1
🤣21😨16👍2😁2🏆1
I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks off in December?”
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
Boss: It’s May.
Me: Sorry. May I get two weeks off in December?
#wordplay
@Sickipedia
🥰25😁14👍9👏1🤡1
The bartender looks at them and points to a sign, labeled: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE" and asks the gentlemen to leave. They reluctantly get up and leave before any discussion between them occurs.
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
#other
@Sickipedia
The next day, a horse walks in to this same bar. Once again, the bartender points to the sign: "NO JOKES SERVED HERE". With a long face, the horse gets up from his bar stool and leaves the building.
The day after that, a chicken walks in to the bar. The bartender approaches the chicken as it sits down. He once again points to the sign and says, "I am sorry, but we don't allow jokes to be served here."
"Fine!" says the chicken, clucking with disapproval. "But can you at least tell me where else can I get a drink around here?"
The bartender replies, "yeah, there's another bar across the road."
#other
@Sickipedia
😁24🥴12🤔5👍1🤯1
Newton, Darwin, and a modern Scientist go to heaven.
God is standing at the gate.
"Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven."
Newton is up first.
He shows God "Principia".
God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity.
God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him.
Next up is Darwin.
He shows God "Origin of Species".
God says "You nailed it!"
He lets him in.
Finally, the modern Scientist is up.
God asks to see his work.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's paywalled."
#other
@Sickipedia
God is standing at the gate.
"Your research will determine whether you may enter heaven."
Newton is up first.
He shows God "Principia".
God smiles reading Newton's description of gravity.
God shakes his hand and opens the gate for him.
Next up is Darwin.
He shows God "Origin of Species".
God says "You nailed it!"
He lets him in.
Finally, the modern Scientist is up.
God asks to see his work.
"Sorry", he says.
"It's paywalled."
#other
@Sickipedia
😁27😎8🤣4🤨3🤔2👍1
A hotel guest walks into the rooftop bar...
He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing.
"The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!"
A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing.
"I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!"
The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
He tell the bartender, "I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony. A few minutes later he comes running back into the bar soaking wet and laughing.
"The hotel pool is under that balcony," he laughs. "You owe me $100 in drinks!"
A week later, the same guy comes into the bar and tells the bartender the exact same thing.
"I bet you a $100 bar tab I can jump off that balcony and be totally fine!"
"Sure, whatever," says the bartender.
The man gets a running start and leaps off the balcony.
Another man sitting at the bar turns to the bartender. "Hey," he says, "Don't you remember that guy from last week? I can't believe you fell for that trick again!"
The bartender says, "And I can't believe that guy didn't notice they've drained the pool for cleaning."
#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia
😁27🐳10👍4🕊4👎2