I don't know how I always end up with weirdos for my first date.
Like for the most recent one for example, we were at a fancy restaurant and everything was going so well. But right before we started eating, she out of the blue asked me to have sex with a short girl. To be exact, she said, "Bone a petite." I had to leave.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My son said his excellent pull out game is in his genes.
I told him to wash his jeans separately going forward.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I'm always frank with my sexual partners.
Don't want them knowing my real name.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My girlfriend is a lumberjack.
Well, technically she’s my ax-girlfriend.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Two very old ladies are driving along and one says to the other, "Did you just run a stop sign"?
She replied, "Oh Shit! Am I driving"?

#other@Sickipedia

A man walks onto the campus of Yale University. He walks up to a student and asks "Where's the bathroom at?"
The student responds haughtily, "Here at Yale, we're taught not to end a sentence with a preposition."

The man realizing his terrible unforgivable mistake corrects himself, "Where's the bathroom at asshole?"

#other@Sickipedia

As a child, I thought body hair was gross
But it later grew on me

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I was told to describe myself I one word in a job interview...
I said, "bad at following simple instructions."

#other@Sickipedia

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle.
She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident.
You can have his bike."

#other@Sickipedia

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Netanyahu, while visiting the United Nations, overheard chants of "free Palestine!"
He thought to himself, "What a bargain!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills yesterday... she said: "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"...
... I still don't know why she told me to urinate on a skeleton!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I tried phone sex once,
but the holes were too small.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

My wife asked me, "is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
"no, it's just you."

#roast@Sickipedia

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says: "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
He responds: "Well then give me the one my wife made!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Why is 9 afraid of 3?
Because he was squared of him

#wordplay@Sickipedia

How do you call a mexican that lost his car?
Carlos

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What 11-letter English word is always pronounced incorrectly?
Incorrectly.

#other@Sickipedia

What do you call a fruit that magically shows up?
A pear.

#wordplay@Sickipedia