Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

#roast
@Sickipedia

I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“

#wordplay
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What do you call a threesome, but it's you and the two people in the porn video?
A lonesome.

#wordplay
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I was on a plane with my dad when the pilot announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are 30,000 feet up in the air.”
Dad: I think he’s lying. There’s no way there are 15,000 people on this flight.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

#other
@Sickipedia

I was telling my German colleague about how my parents, who were living in Spain, kept having problems with eagles killing their chickens.

Me: yeah, these eagles come down out of the mountains, they steal the chickens right out of the pen!

Frank: an eagle!? AN EAGLE DOES THIS!?

Me: yes, they have eagles over there, mad isn't it?

Frank: AN EAGLE IS STEALING THE CHICKENS?

Me: errr, yeah, they're predators you know?

Frank: THEY ARE PREDATORS?

Me: yeah, and they fly down and kill the chickens and fly off with them

Frank: THEY FLY... wait, hang on... Oh.... I see... Err... In German, Igel is.. Errr...

(long, long pause)...

AH! IN GERMAN, EIN IGEL IS A HEDGEHOG!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What kills people and has two butts?
An assassin.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I recently broke up with my alien girlfriend
She’s now my Space Ex

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
My doctor says it’s terminal.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I just had a near sex experience.
It’s true. My wife flashed before my eyes.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Two men, an American and a Russian were arguing. One said,

“in my country I can go to the white house walk to the president's office and pound the desk and say "Mr president! I don't like how you're running things in this country!"

"I can do that too!"

"Really?"

"Yes! I can go to the Kremlin, walk into the general secretary's office and pound the desk and say, Mr. secretary, I don't like how Reagan is running his country!"

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

What's a pdf file?
And why is my uncle accused of being one?

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Obscure history/biology joke I couldn't get out of my head, so I had to post it somewhere:
"I've invited you all to this press conference to tell you that my experiments in Parthian-genesis have proven highly successful."

"Professor, you mean parthenogenesis, right? Like in asexual reproduction?"

"No, I didn't mean that at all. Why would you think that?"

"But..."

"Anyway, I also invited you to warn that Rome has better improve its defences pretty darn soon."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What did salt say to pepper when their friends were running late?
Don’t worry, rosemary and sage are cumin. They will get here in due thyme.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Cop: Are you on drugs ?

Guy: Why would I sit on drugs ?

Cop: Have you taken any ?

Guy: Taken them where ?

Cop: I meant used drugs.

Guy: I prefer new.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Fighter: I must avenge my brother's death!

Bard: You can count on me!

Dwarf: You can count on me!

Necromancer: You can count on your brother!

#other
@Sickipedia

Why do pediatricians get so mad?
They have little patience.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What cheese is made backwards?
Edam

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A private investigator is contacted with a job offer, and asked to come to the penthouse suite of a skyscraper.

During the long elevator ride up, he can't help but wonder what the job is, and whether it's worth taking. When he finally arrives in the suite, he finds a well-dressed gentleman sitting at a desk, who explains: "There's this guy, see, and he never blinks. I want you to investigate him, find out who he is."

The detective, offended, replies "You brought me all the way here for some guy who doesn't blink? I'm not accepting the job, I'm leaving!"

The gentleman presses a button beneath his desk, smirks and says, "Ah, you can't leave. I've locked down the elevator, so you're not getting out unless you agree to investigate."

Defeated, the detective agrees: "Well, the elevator's locked down. I guess I have no choice but to take the stare case.”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Math teachers are lonely
They continuously ask their students to find their x

#wordplay
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