A man loses three fingers in an accident. At the hospital, he asks the doctor; Will I be able to drive with this hand?"
Doctor: Maybe, but I wouldn't count on it.

#wordplay
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I plotted all of my past relationships on a graph.
It has an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

#other
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Four middle-aged Jewish women are having lunch in a restaurant.
Midway through the meal the waiter comes to their table and says, "Ladies, is anything all right?"

#other
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A Doctor and two Lawyers are on a train ride.

The doctor gets comfortable, takes off his shoes and decides he is thirsty and is going to take a trip to the snack car. He asks the lawyers,

“Hey I am going to go get a Coke, do either of you want one?”

One lawyer shakes his head, no. The other lawyer says, “Sure, grab me one, thanks!”

So the doctor walks off to the snack car and while he is gone, the lawyer that asked for the coke says to the other lawyer “watch this” And spits a huge loogie into one of the Doctor’s shoes.

The other lawyer finds this hilarious and upon the doctor returning decides that he now would like a coke. He asks “Hey Doc, you know a Coke sounds, nice, could you grab me one too?”

The Doctor replies, “of course!” heads back to the snack car and while there, the second lawyer spits a huge loogie into the Doctor’s other shoe.

Once the Doctor returns with the second Coke, he gives it to the other lawyer and then decides he is going to get some sleep, still with his shoes off, the Doctor lays his head back and passes out for an hour or so…

Finally, after the Doctor wakes up to the sound of the train arriving at his station, he puts on his shoes, the Lawyers burst out laughing and the Doctor immediately realizes what has happened and exclaims to the Lawyers,

“You know guys, this is petty! The feud between our two professions needs to stop! It’s getting out of hand, you know, the spit in the shoes, the dick in the Cokes!”

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

When I found out there were women in the military, I told the recruiter “I can’t take orders from girls!”
“...because they don’t talk to me!”

#other
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My mate said he’s slept with 2 Brazilian women.
I said “wow that’s a lot!!”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Premature ejaculation has its benefits:

By the time my wife tells me she has a headache

I'm already lighting up a cigarette

#sexandshit
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The asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in Earth's history.

#wordplay
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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

I don’t know all the details about military ranks
but I have the general idea.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

If at first you don’t succeed
Then skydiving probably isn’t for you

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

My dog swallowed my credit card and had to be put down
I don’t know what’s worse. Losing my best friend, or having to tap and pay with a dead dog.

#other
@Sickipedia

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor on the first day at work.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills. She said “you’re an 8 on a scale of 10”.
I have no idea why she would want me to urinate on a skeleton.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I was talking to a woman in a bar and felt like things were going well so I ordered another round. She said “before we go any further I need to ask, what kind of date are you? I tried to be clever and said “I m the kind of date that doesn’t mind helping with the breakfast dishes.” She said “I’ve ask that more times than I care to admit and that’s the best answer ever. Let’s go to my apartment.” Check please. We got there, walk in, she says “the kitchen is right this way, you wash, I’ll dry.”

#other
@Sickipedia

My wife was pissed at me for having an Only fan’s subscription
I dunno know why, she said I needed to be more supportive of our daughter

#sexandshit
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Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?
His name was Nikolai

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What do the movies “The Sixth Sense” and Titanic have in common?
Icy dead people

#oldbutgoold
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Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

#other
@Sickipedia

Where do pirates like to shop?
At the secondhand store.

#wordplay
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