Me: "I am so tired of this workout."
Trainer: "that was the tour of the gym”

#other
@Sickipedia

What's the difference between a Vietnamese restaurant and an Indian restaurant?
one is pho profit and the other is naan profit

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

The Englishman says “I will die for honor.”
The Frenchman says “I will die for liberty.”

The Spaniard says “I will die for God.”

The Russian says “I will die.”

#russians
@Sickipedia

Do you think Pavlov thought about feeding his dog every time he heard a bell ring?

#other
@Sickipedia

Strong people don't put others down.

They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

#other
@Sickipedia

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do.
And for the people who like country music, denigrate means "put down".

#other
@Sickipedia

My religious girlfriend keeps going on about how God is everywhere. But one day I caught her out.
During some energetic sex I accidently thrust into the wrong hole causing her to scream out

“Oh GOD not in there”.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Leonardo DiCaprio, sitting on a park bench, watching a 26 year old girl walking by
he says, "I bet she was a looker in her day"

#other
@Sickipedia

Did you hear uber have a new food delivery service via catapult?
Uber yeets

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife gazed at me and bit her lip seductively.
Unfortunately it was her top lip so she just looked like a piranha.

#other
@Sickipedia

What game do most of us play during working hours?
Call Of Duty

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A woman is milking a cow when an angry bull busts loose and goes charging across the field straight for her.
A farmhand sees what is happening and starts yelling and waving his arms to warn her. The bull is charging, the farmhand is screaming his head off, but the woman just keeps milking the cow. At the last moment before she is trampled and gored, the bull checks up, lowers his head, and skulks off in another direction while she keeps on milking.

Seeing this, the astonished farmhand runs up and says, “Wow! I thought you were dead for sure! Weren’t you afraid of that bull?”

And she says, “I would have been, but this cow is his mother in law.”

#other
@Sickipedia

Today, my optometrist told me that my prescription had worsened significantly.
I did not see that coming.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My buddy said he's ambidextrous.
I said that must be pretty handy.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I walked into the bottle-o, the guy behind the counter asked, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I will take the Whiskey instead."

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

It's always so awkward when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on
Really ruined my family's screening of Backdoor Anal Sluts 5.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

The sweet thing my wife says every time after sex:
Happy Birthday!

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

Dentist: "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
Patient: "I heard you the first time. You didn't have to say it twice."

Dentist: "I didn't. That was my echo."

#other
@Sickipedia

I paid $500 for a belt
It was a huge waist

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What's the difference between a cougar and a leopard?
A leopard can drag something twice its weight up a tree.

A cougar can drag someone half her age into bed.

#worpdlay
@Sickipedia