Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven.

When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven.

The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?"

"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."

"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

#sexandhit
@Sickipedia

What's the best part of dating a deaf girl?
She can still talk dirty with your cock in her mouth.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

25 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash!
I pray nothing happens to Alan Cumming!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Two Russians meet in the gulag:

How much did you get?

10 years.

And what did you do?

Nothing!

You're a liar. For nothing you only get 5 years.

#russians
@Sickipedia

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sexy cousin.
It tastes the same but it just ain't right.

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

A man at the beach asked the lifeguard how he had so many pretty girls flocking around him. The lifeguard offered this advice “When you come to the beach, put a potato in your swim trunks”. The next day he approached the lifeguard asking why it is not working for him. “Next time, put the potato in front…”

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

Why are men more patriotic than women?
Because they were born with the pro-state gland.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

How does a male chemist flirt with a female chemist?
He says, "U and I are on the periodic table."

And how does the female chemist brush off the male one?

She says, "So is He."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What did the graphics card say to the monitor during sex?
"Maybe we should switch to a different position because 69 Hz."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals
It’s pointless

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

When you die people cry and beg for you to come back
but, when you do, they freak out

#other
@Sickipedia

Someone complimented my parking today.
There was a note on my windscreen that said "Parking Fine".

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Her: I’m sick of him misunderstanding every single thing.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have a glass of h two o". The second says "I'll have a glass of h two o too".
Walks into a bar
They both get a glass of water because the bartender isn't a moron, and anyway what kind of bar even keeps hydrogen peroxide let alone sell it by the glass?

#other
@Sickipedia

So a Termite walks into a bar and asks
"Is the bar tender here?"

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

"You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the world will get $100,000. Are you taking it?"
Me: "Of course! Why wouldn't I want $150,000?"

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

Do you know the difference between orphans and apples?
Apple gets picked.

#other
@Sickipedia

What do you call a man married to 4 musician wives?
Has band

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife: "Are you drinking again?!"
Me: "No, it's just tea"
Wife: "Oh yeah?! What kind of tea?"
Me: "Tea... quila"

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I asked my wife what she wants for our anniversary, she said "a divorce."
I said, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

#boomerhumor
@Sickipedia