My wife complain that I only last for like two minutes in bed..
But it was in doggystyle, so that's like 14 minutes in dog minutes?!

#other
@Sickipedia

A man walked into a Men's Warehouse and an employee asked if he needed any help trying on suits. He said "No thanks."
The employee said "suit yourself."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Me and my friends started a band it’s called 999 megabytes
We still don’t have a gig

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I just asked my 9 year old son what he learned in school today
He said “apparently not enough because I have to go back tomorrow”.

#other
@Sickipedia

If we remove all of the margarine on Earth …
The world will be a butter place.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Orion's belt is a huge waist of space.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Cop pulls over a man and says
“You were driving on the wrong side of the road.”

Driver: Sorry, I’m English.

Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit??

#other
@Sickipedia

I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chap stick.
She still isn’t speaking with me

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

If cardboard had a favorite sport, what would it be?
Boxing

#worpdplay
@Sickipedia

I don’t know why some people complain that games have too much LGBTQ+ content these days.
Every game you’ve ever played has come out.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

He gently slid her panties to one side...
So the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer

#other
@Sickipedia

My girlfriend called and said to me in a sexy voice “You should come over, no one is home”. So I went over….
No one was home.

#other
@Sickipedia

I've discovered the secret to happiness. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat on my girlfriend. Do you know what I do instead?
I lie.

#other
@Sickipedia

Teacher: What’s the chemical formula for water?
Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
Teacher: How did you get that?
Student: Well yesterday you said it was H to O

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A woman came up to me and hit on me right in front of my wife.
She told me I was handsome and that I smell nice, asked me what kind of cologne I was using.

I said thank you, my wife bought it for me. It's called "leave-me-the-fa-cologne."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism ! It’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What becomes shorter when you add two letters?

Short

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down.
I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What do you call a shitty poem?
Pooetic

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian

then Soviet

#wordplay
@Sickipedia