I am going to get a tattoo on my wrist that says "Terror".
Then I can say to people "Look, it's a terrorwrist!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I named my daughter after my mother-in-law.
Raving Psycho will soon be a year old.

#roast@Sickipedia

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”
But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do supportive fathers and unsupportive fathers have in common when they have a trans daughter?
“I have no son.”

#other@Sickipedia

My wife told the therapist, “I’m sick of him taking everything literally.”
Therapist, to me: Do you know what she means?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What does 6.9 and a vagina have in common ?
They're good things ruined by a period.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I took a urine test at the hospital this morning.
My kleptomania is really pissing people off.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Did you know adam and eve owned a computer?
It was an apple but it was so bad that just 1 byte and everything would crash

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you....
.... I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait”

She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained.

That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Gary and I”

#other@Sickipedia

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”
And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

What is twice as dangerous as a polar bear?
A bipolar bear

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.

#other@Sickipedia

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A shark can swim faster than me…
But I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon it would all come down to who is a better cyclist.

#other@Sickipedia

Linkedin is the complete opposite of Tinder
On linkedin beautiful girls message nerdy guys without getting any replies.

#other@Sickipedia

The difference between cocaine and meth is

Coke is what you do when you want to go out and dance. But meth is what you do when you want to conquer all of Europe in four days.

#other@Sickipedia

I beat a kid in a video game and told them I banged their mom last night
My son was very upset.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "
" Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

#other@Sickipedia

Coffee has been banned in France.
You probably haven’t heard because the French press isn’t covering the story.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Did you hear about the banker that kept mostly to himself?
He was a loaner.

#wordplay@Sickipedia