Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
Me: "And?"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Daughter: ‘Mum, i'm dating the neighbour next door.’
Mother: " But he could be your father..."

Daughter: " Age doesn´t count for me, Mom."

Mother: " I don´t think you understand..."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A 9 year old girl is digging through her mother’s purse, and sees her driver’s license. She then says “Mommy, I know why daddy divorced you”
The girl explains “because you got an F in sex”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I tried making a sex tape, once.
But I finished too quick so it was more of a sex GIF.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.
This joke would be funny if it had a punchline, wooden tit?

#wordplay@Sickipedia

As their plane took off, the pilot asked the co-pilot, “Have you ever flown solo?”
Co-pilot: No, I usually fly much higher than this.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A man comes out of the bathroom and says to his wife..
Honey, I've just taken a dump that weighed a whole kilo!
His wife curls her lip and replies "Oh Carl, did you stand on the scales before and after going to the to loo?"
The husband responds: "Oh, I guess I could have done it that way too."

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says “I’ll take a rum…… and a coke.” The bartender says, “what’s with the pause??”
The Polar bear says “I was born with them.”

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it's because I'm a groan man.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A blonde woman, tired of the stereotypes about blondes, decides one day to prove her intelligence to her husband...

Tired of the constant blonde jokes and the stereotype that blondes are not smart, a blonde woman decides to prove her intelligence to her husband. While he is at work, she takes it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in their house.

The next day, as soon as her husband leaves, she dives into the project. When he returns home at 5:30, he immediately notices the strong smell of paint. Concerned, he walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor, drenched in sweat. To his surprise, she’s wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat.

Worried, he asks if she’s okay. She assures him she is fine. Curious, he inquires about her outfit. She explains that she wanted to prove that blondes can be smart by painting the house. When he asks why she's wearing both coats, she confidently explains, "I read the instructions on the paint can, and it said, 'For best results, put on two coats.'"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife asked me, “Can we have some peace and quiet while I cook dinner?”
So I took out the batteries from the smoke alarm.

#roast@Sickipedia

What's the difference between a Teacher and a Train?
The teacher will say "Get rid of that gum!!:

The train will say "Chew, Chew!!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

The other day a guy asked me if I wanted to pet his cocker spaniel.
Feeling kinda weird about the whole thing now… I think I should’ve chose the spaniel.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

If I ever hit the lottery, I guarantee everyone around me will be rich.

I'll be moving to Beverly Hills.

#other@Sickipedia

"Dad," began my son, "what does GILF mean?"
Embarrassed, I said, "It's just another way of saying 'golf', son."

Then next day he said, "Dad, nobody at school wants to be my friend anymore."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I asked them if they wanted to try and help me find some gilf clubs."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Today on the street a man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So I gave him my electric bill.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see.

#other@Sickipedia

I lost my girlfriend because I was a compulsive gambler
All I can think of now is how to win her back.

#wordplay@Sickipedia