THE NATURE OF MEN
Ibn al-Qayyim رحمه الله explained that people differ greatly in their natural dispositions, character, ambitions, and the harm or benefit that may come from them. In Madarij as-Salikin, he gives powerful examples by comparing certain types of people to animals whose characteristics illustrate their behavior.
LIKE LIONS
Some people resemble lions in their disposition. They possess an aggressive temperament, a strong drive to dominate, and a desire to overpower those around them whenever they have the ability to do so.
This does not mean that every strong or courageous person is blameworthy. Islam praises courage when it is controlled by obedience to Allah and used for what is right. The blameworthy characteristic is oppression, arrogance, aggression, and the desire to subjugate others.
Allah says:
وَلَا تَعْتَدُوا ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُعْتَدِينَ
Do not transgress. Indeed, Allah does not love the transgressors.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:190
True strength is therefore not merely the ability to overpower another person. The Prophet ﷺ said that the strong person is the one who controls himself when angry.
Sahih al-Bukhari 6114; Sahih Muslim 2609
LIKE RATS
Others resemble rats in their corrupt and destructive behavior. They may be inherently inclined toward wickedness, spreading discord, causing suspicion, carrying tales, and creating problems between people.
This is especially dangerous because a person who constantly spreads discord can destroy relationships, families, friendships, and communities without directly appearing to be the cause.
Allah severely warned against this behavior:
هَمَّازٍ مَشَّاءٍ بِنَمِيمٍ
A slanderer who goes about spreading malicious gossip.
Surah al-Qalam 68:11
The Prophet ﷺ also warned about namimah, carrying tales between people in order to cause corruption and discord. He ﷺ passed by two graves and said that one of their inhabitants was being punished because he used to spread namimah.
Sahih al-Bukhari 216; Sahih Muslim 292
Therefore, the believer must be careful about the person who constantly brings rumors, exposes people's private affairs, carries statements from one person to another, and creates conflict wherever he goes.
LIKE SNAKES AND SCORPIONS
Ibn al-Qayyim also describes another category as resembling poisonous creatures such as snakes and scorpions.
The comparison is especially severe because the danger of such a person is not merely that he is unpleasant to be around. Rather, he actively causes harm.
A snake may appear quiet, yet its bite can be deadly. Likewise, some people may appear calm and friendly while concealing harmful intentions, plotting against others, spreading corruption, or waiting for an opportunity to cause damage.
Allah commands the believers to recognize harmful behavior and protect themselves from it:
وَلَا يَحِيقُ الْمَكْرُ السَّيِّئُ إِلَّا بِأَهْلِهِ
But evil plotting only encompasses its own people.
Surah Fatir 35:43
THE LESSON
The purpose of these comparisons is not to teach us to label every difficult person as a lion, rat, snake, or scorpion. Rather, Ibn al-Qayyim is illustrating how deeply a person's character can affect those around him.
Some people bring courage and protection.
Some bring strength but must control their aggression.
Some spread discord wherever they go.
And some are genuinely dangerous because they deliberately harm others.
The believer should therefore examine his own character before examining the character of others.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
The best of you are those who are best in character.
Sahih al-Bukhari 6035
A person should ask himself: Do people feel safe from my tongue? Do I spread people's secrets? Do I create problems between others? Do I become oppressive when I have power? Do I control my anger? Do I protect people from my harm?
Allah says:
قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن زَكَّاهَا وَقَدْ خَابَ مَن دَسَّاهَا
Successful indeed is the one who purifies it, and failed indeed is the one who corrupts it.
Surah ash-Shams 91:9–10
Ibn al-Qayyim رحمه الله explained that people differ greatly in their natural dispositions, character, ambitions, and the harm or benefit that may come from them. In Madarij as-Salikin, he gives powerful examples by comparing certain types of people to animals whose characteristics illustrate their behavior.
LIKE LIONS
Some people resemble lions in their disposition. They possess an aggressive temperament, a strong drive to dominate, and a desire to overpower those around them whenever they have the ability to do so.
This does not mean that every strong or courageous person is blameworthy. Islam praises courage when it is controlled by obedience to Allah and used for what is right. The blameworthy characteristic is oppression, arrogance, aggression, and the desire to subjugate others.
Allah says:
وَلَا تَعْتَدُوا ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ لَا يُحِبُّ الْمُعْتَدِينَ
Do not transgress. Indeed, Allah does not love the transgressors.
Surah al-Baqarah 2:190
True strength is therefore not merely the ability to overpower another person. The Prophet ﷺ said that the strong person is the one who controls himself when angry.
Sahih al-Bukhari 6114; Sahih Muslim 2609
LIKE RATS
Others resemble rats in their corrupt and destructive behavior. They may be inherently inclined toward wickedness, spreading discord, causing suspicion, carrying tales, and creating problems between people.
This is especially dangerous because a person who constantly spreads discord can destroy relationships, families, friendships, and communities without directly appearing to be the cause.
Allah severely warned against this behavior:
هَمَّازٍ مَشَّاءٍ بِنَمِيمٍ
A slanderer who goes about spreading malicious gossip.
Surah al-Qalam 68:11
The Prophet ﷺ also warned about namimah, carrying tales between people in order to cause corruption and discord. He ﷺ passed by two graves and said that one of their inhabitants was being punished because he used to spread namimah.
Sahih al-Bukhari 216; Sahih Muslim 292
Therefore, the believer must be careful about the person who constantly brings rumors, exposes people's private affairs, carries statements from one person to another, and creates conflict wherever he goes.
LIKE SNAKES AND SCORPIONS
Ibn al-Qayyim also describes another category as resembling poisonous creatures such as snakes and scorpions.
The comparison is especially severe because the danger of such a person is not merely that he is unpleasant to be around. Rather, he actively causes harm.
A snake may appear quiet, yet its bite can be deadly. Likewise, some people may appear calm and friendly while concealing harmful intentions, plotting against others, spreading corruption, or waiting for an opportunity to cause damage.
Allah commands the believers to recognize harmful behavior and protect themselves from it:
وَلَا يَحِيقُ الْمَكْرُ السَّيِّئُ إِلَّا بِأَهْلِهِ
But evil plotting only encompasses its own people.
Surah Fatir 35:43
THE LESSON
The purpose of these comparisons is not to teach us to label every difficult person as a lion, rat, snake, or scorpion. Rather, Ibn al-Qayyim is illustrating how deeply a person's character can affect those around him.
Some people bring courage and protection.
Some bring strength but must control their aggression.
Some spread discord wherever they go.
And some are genuinely dangerous because they deliberately harm others.
The believer should therefore examine his own character before examining the character of others.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
The best of you are those who are best in character.
Sahih al-Bukhari 6035
A person should ask himself: Do people feel safe from my tongue? Do I spread people's secrets? Do I create problems between others? Do I become oppressive when I have power? Do I control my anger? Do I protect people from my harm?
Allah says:
قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن زَكَّاهَا وَقَدْ خَابَ مَن دَسَّاهَا
Successful indeed is the one who purifies it, and failed indeed is the one who corrupts it.
Surah ash-Shams 91:9–10
The real goal is not simply to identify the harmful characteristics in other people. It is to purify ourselves from them and strive to become people from whose hands and tongues others are safe.
Source: Ibn al-Qayyim, Madarij as-Salikin, 1/403–406, abridged.
O Allah, purify our hearts, beautify our character, and protect us from arrogance, oppression, anger, backbiting, and spreading discord. Make us people who bring benefit, peace, and goodness to others, and protect us from becoming a source of harm. Ameen 🤲🏾
Source: Ibn al-Qayyim, Madarij as-Salikin, 1/403–406, abridged.
O Allah, purify our hearts, beautify our character, and protect us from arrogance, oppression, anger, backbiting, and spreading discord. Make us people who bring benefit, peace, and goodness to others, and protect us from becoming a source of harm. Ameen 🤲🏾
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THE CYCLE OF FAMILY IMPACT:
1. Weak father - Spoiled daughter.
2. Dominating mother - mama's boy.
3. Narcissistic mother - insecure son.
4. Absent father - Self hating children.
5. Poor marriages - Unhappy homes.
6. Unhappy home - Unhappy society.
7. Strong father - confident daughter.
8. Feminine mother - Masculine son.
9. Present father - Self loving children.
10. Loving parents - Secure children.
11. Healthy marriage - Peaceful home.
12. Peaceful home - Strong society.
1. Weak father - Spoiled daughter.
2. Dominating mother - mama's boy.
3. Narcissistic mother - insecure son.
4. Absent father - Self hating children.
5. Poor marriages - Unhappy homes.
6. Unhappy home - Unhappy society.
7. Strong father - confident daughter.
8. Feminine mother - Masculine son.
9. Present father - Self loving children.
10. Loving parents - Secure children.
11. Healthy marriage - Peaceful home.
12. Peaceful home - Strong society.
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No handshake, hug, peck, kiss, or sex between two intending partners before marriage engagement and wedding proposal and "our parents are aware we are of our relationship" alone doesn't make the aforementioned halâl for two potential spouses. Having consensual sexual intercourse with someone you're not legally married to is zina (a major sin) in the sight of Allâh, even if man-made law terms it as legal.
Doing the aforementioned without being legally married is a sinful act, especially being intimate with each other which is a major sin.
Follow the laws of Allâh to Whom you shall return, and abstain from following your desires and Western cultures.
The punishment of Allâh is severe and unbearable.
Doing the aforementioned without being legally married is a sinful act, especially being intimate with each other which is a major sin.
Follow the laws of Allâh to Whom you shall return, and abstain from following your desires and Western cultures.
The punishment of Allâh is severe and unbearable.
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Muslim Marriage Tips
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Marriage After Zina: What the Scholars Said
It is prohibited to marry a woman who has committed zina until she repents, whether the man marrying her is the one who committed zina with her or someone else. This is the position of the Hanbali school and scholars, including Ibn Hazm, Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn al-Qayyim, al-Shanqiti, and Ibn ‘Uthaymin. (Kashshaf al-Qina‘, 5/82; Majmu‘ al-Fatawa, 32/109.)
Allah says:
“A male fornicator would only marry a female fornicator or idolatress. And a female fornicator would only be married to a fornicator or idolater. This is ˹all˺ forbidden to the believers.” [Translation al-Nur 24:3]
Al-Buhuti said:
“If a woman's zina is known, she is prohibited to the man who committed zina with her and to anyone else until she repents and the waiting period has elapsed.” (Kashshaf al-Qina‘, 5/82.)
Ibn Hazm said:
“It is not permissible for a woman who has committed zina to marry anyone—neither a man who commits zina nor a chaste man—until she repents.” (Al-Muhalla, 9/63.)
Ibn Taymiyyah said:
“Marriage to a woman who has committed zina is prohibited until she repents, regardless of whether the man who committed zina with her is the one marrying her or someone else.” (Majmu‘ al-Fatawa, 32/109.)
Ibn al-Qayyim said:
“It is prohibited to marry a woman who has committed zina until she repents and it is established that her womb is free of pregnancy.” (Ighathat al-Lahfan, 1/67.)
Al-Shanqiti said:
“If the man and woman who committed zina both repent, regret what they did, and resolve not to return to the sin, then their marriage is permissible.” (Adwa’ al-Bayan, 5/427.)
Ibn ‘Uthaymin said:
“It is not permissible for you to marry your daughter to a man who has committed zina until his repentance from zina becomes apparent and his condition becomes upright.” (Fatawa Nur ‘ala al-Darb, 10/28.)
It is prohibited to marry a woman who has committed zina until she repents, whether the man marrying her is the one who committed zina with her or someone else. This is the position of the Hanbali school and scholars, including Ibn Hazm, Ibn Taymiyyah, Ibn al-Qayyim, al-Shanqiti, and Ibn ‘Uthaymin. (Kashshaf al-Qina‘, 5/82; Majmu‘ al-Fatawa, 32/109.)
Allah says:
“A male fornicator would only marry a female fornicator or idolatress. And a female fornicator would only be married to a fornicator or idolater. This is ˹all˺ forbidden to the believers.” [Translation al-Nur 24:3]
Al-Buhuti said:
“If a woman's zina is known, she is prohibited to the man who committed zina with her and to anyone else until she repents and the waiting period has elapsed.” (Kashshaf al-Qina‘, 5/82.)
Ibn Hazm said:
“It is not permissible for a woman who has committed zina to marry anyone—neither a man who commits zina nor a chaste man—until she repents.” (Al-Muhalla, 9/63.)
Ibn Taymiyyah said:
“Marriage to a woman who has committed zina is prohibited until she repents, regardless of whether the man who committed zina with her is the one marrying her or someone else.” (Majmu‘ al-Fatawa, 32/109.)
Ibn al-Qayyim said:
“It is prohibited to marry a woman who has committed zina until she repents and it is established that her womb is free of pregnancy.” (Ighathat al-Lahfan, 1/67.)
Al-Shanqiti said:
“If the man and woman who committed zina both repent, regret what they did, and resolve not to return to the sin, then their marriage is permissible.” (Adwa’ al-Bayan, 5/427.)
Ibn ‘Uthaymin said:
“It is not permissible for you to marry your daughter to a man who has committed zina until his repentance from zina becomes apparent and his condition becomes upright.” (Fatawa Nur ‘ala al-Darb, 10/28.)
My sister, good marriages aren’t always showcased on social media.
In real life, there are intentional couples who support, grow, and show up for each other with love and care.
No, their marriage isn’t perfect.
But it’s not toxic, cold, or performative.
It’s real, built on mutual respect, effort, and prayer (dua).
In real life, there are intentional couples who support, grow, and show up for each other with love and care.
No, their marriage isn’t perfect.
But it’s not toxic, cold, or performative.
It’s real, built on mutual respect, effort, and prayer (dua).
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🌿 A Righteous Spouse Does Not Mean a Marriage Without Tests
Ibn Naṣr al-Faqīh رحمه الله said:
“I married a woman who had memorised the Book of Allah, memorised al-Muwaṭṭaʾ, and was devoted to worship. Yet despite all of that, I never had three consecutive days of happiness with her.”
📚 Al-Riyāḍ | 2/186
🌿 A Reminder:
Even when a person marries someone righteous, knowledgeable and devoted to worship, marriage can still have difficulties and tests.
Do not expect perfection from your spouse. Marriage requires patience, good character, forgiveness, overlooking faults, and continuing to treat one another well.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.”
📚 Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim | 1469
So focus on the good in your spouse, be patient with their shortcomings, and remember that a successful marriage is not one without problems, but one in which both spouses keep striving to please Allah and treat each other well.
And Allah knows best.
Ibn Naṣr al-Faqīh رحمه الله said:
“I married a woman who had memorised the Book of Allah, memorised al-Muwaṭṭaʾ, and was devoted to worship. Yet despite all of that, I never had three consecutive days of happiness with her.”
📚 Al-Riyāḍ | 2/186
🌿 A Reminder:
Even when a person marries someone righteous, knowledgeable and devoted to worship, marriage can still have difficulties and tests.
Do not expect perfection from your spouse. Marriage requires patience, good character, forgiveness, overlooking faults, and continuing to treat one another well.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
“A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.”
📚 Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim | 1469
So focus on the good in your spouse, be patient with their shortcomings, and remember that a successful marriage is not one without problems, but one in which both spouses keep striving to please Allah and treat each other well.
And Allah knows best.
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One of the dangers facing modern marriages is the habit of turning private marital disagreements into public entertainment. If you want to know what's happening in some people's marital relationships, just check their social media handles. Some partners have videos or messages of insults and attacks that fit the disagreements in their marriages.
A husband and wife may disagree in the morning, and before evening, Facebook, WhatsApp status, TikTok, or Instagram followers are already on it. Sometimes, the person does not mention their spouse's name, but the message is so obvious that friends, relatives, and colleagues know exactly who the post is about.
The problem is not just the social media post; it is the intention to embarrass, punish, provoke, or recruit outsiders against one's spouse. If private conversations have failed and the behaviour continues, consider involving a trustworthy marriage counsellor or a mature mediator acceptable to both partners.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
“And speak to people good [words].”
— Qur'an 2:83. These teachings encourage good speech, responsible conflict resolution, and fair intervention. A spouse should not use public humiliation as a weapon against the other.
'Abu Sheikh, what if the spouse refuses to change?' If you have communicated respectfully, established boundaries, and sought reasonable help, but your spouse continues to humiliate you publicly, you must consider the long-term impact on your emotional well-being, family life, and children.
Marriage requires patience, but patience does not mean accepting endless humiliation without seeking a solution. You may win public sympathy and still lose trust in your marriage. You may receive hundreds of comments supporting you and still fail to resolve the problem that caused the disagreement.
A mature spouse does not use private disagreements to destroy the public image of the person they claim to love. We should be aware of the consequences of this action. As a spouse, whenever your husband or wife requires reconciliation through dialogue or counseling sessions, please acknowledge it as a step in the right direction.
Always pay attention to details.
Abu Sheikh
A husband and wife may disagree in the morning, and before evening, Facebook, WhatsApp status, TikTok, or Instagram followers are already on it. Sometimes, the person does not mention their spouse's name, but the message is so obvious that friends, relatives, and colleagues know exactly who the post is about.
The problem is not just the social media post; it is the intention to embarrass, punish, provoke, or recruit outsiders against one's spouse. If private conversations have failed and the behaviour continues, consider involving a trustworthy marriage counsellor or a mature mediator acceptable to both partners.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
“And speak to people good [words].”
— Qur'an 2:83. These teachings encourage good speech, responsible conflict resolution, and fair intervention. A spouse should not use public humiliation as a weapon against the other.
'Abu Sheikh, what if the spouse refuses to change?' If you have communicated respectfully, established boundaries, and sought reasonable help, but your spouse continues to humiliate you publicly, you must consider the long-term impact on your emotional well-being, family life, and children.
Marriage requires patience, but patience does not mean accepting endless humiliation without seeking a solution. You may win public sympathy and still lose trust in your marriage. You may receive hundreds of comments supporting you and still fail to resolve the problem that caused the disagreement.
A mature spouse does not use private disagreements to destroy the public image of the person they claim to love. We should be aware of the consequences of this action. As a spouse, whenever your husband or wife requires reconciliation through dialogue or counseling sessions, please acknowledge it as a step in the right direction.
Always pay attention to details.
Abu Sheikh
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THE CYCLE OF FATHERHOOD:
1. Absent father - unanswered questions.
2. Unreliable father - broken trust.
3. Angry father - fearful children.
4. Humiliated son - wounded confidence.
5. Emotionally distant father - children hiding their pain.
6. Irresponsible father - children forced to grow up early.
7. Present father - children who feel seen.
8. Consistent father - children who feel secure.
9. Respectful father - sons who learn self-control.
10. Loving father - daughters who know their worth.
11. Wise father - children who learn from mistakes.
12. Healing father - a family that breaks old patterns.
1. Absent father - unanswered questions.
2. Unreliable father - broken trust.
3. Angry father - fearful children.
4. Humiliated son - wounded confidence.
5. Emotionally distant father - children hiding their pain.
6. Irresponsible father - children forced to grow up early.
7. Present father - children who feel seen.
8. Consistent father - children who feel secure.
9. Respectful father - sons who learn self-control.
10. Loving father - daughters who know their worth.
11. Wise father - children who learn from mistakes.
12. Healing father - a family that breaks old patterns.
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As a husband, when you travel and you are coming back home, let your wife know. Don't just come home unexpectedly and call it a “surprise.”
The Prophet taught us not to return to our families unexpectedly after being away for a long time. Jabir narrated that when they returned from a journey, the Prophet salalaahu Alaihi wasalam told them to wait so that their wives would have time to prepare themselves.
The Prophet said:
“When anyone of you is away from his house for a long time, he should not return to his family at night.”
— Sahih al-Bukhari 5244
And in Sahih Muslim, Jabir narrated that the Prophet told them to wait so that the woman whose husband had been away could groom and prepare herself.
This shows consideration for one's wife. ❤️
So, husbands, when you're travelling and you're on your way home, let your wife know. Give her time to take care of herself, prepare something for you, put herself together and welcome you happily.
Sometimes, loving your wife means giving her the opportunity to prepare for your return.
With today, things are made easily,PHONE her.
By doing so, your wife will have time to take care of herself, prepare something for you, and make herself look nice for your return.
The Prophet taught us not to return to our families unexpectedly after being away for a long time. Jabir narrated that when they returned from a journey, the Prophet salalaahu Alaihi wasalam told them to wait so that their wives would have time to prepare themselves.
The Prophet said:
“When anyone of you is away from his house for a long time, he should not return to his family at night.”
— Sahih al-Bukhari 5244
And in Sahih Muslim, Jabir narrated that the Prophet told them to wait so that the woman whose husband had been away could groom and prepare herself.
This shows consideration for one's wife. ❤️
So, husbands, when you're travelling and you're on your way home, let your wife know. Give her time to take care of herself, prepare something for you, put herself together and welcome you happily.
Sometimes, loving your wife means giving her the opportunity to prepare for your return.
With today, things are made easily,PHONE her.
By doing so, your wife will have time to take care of herself, prepare something for you, and make herself look nice for your return.
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Untouchable men are top tier. The ones who know their worth, respect themselves, and don't need attention from every girl to feel like a man. They have goals to chase, money to make, and a future to build.
A man who stays loyal, minds his own business, and protects his peace is attractive without even trying. He's not out here entertaining everyone because he knows what he wants, and that's what makes him different.
A man who stays loyal, minds his own business, and protects his peace is attractive without even trying. He's not out here entertaining everyone because he knows what he wants, and that's what makes him different.
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Al-Rūyānī:
"An old man is not a suitable match for a young woman, and an ignorant man is not a suitable match for a woman of knowledge."
[l'anat al-Țalibin - Vol. 3, p. 381]
"An old man is not a suitable match for a young woman, and an ignorant man is not a suitable match for a woman of knowledge."
[l'anat al-Țalibin - Vol. 3, p. 381]
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Muslim lady: "My eyebrows are too thick, may I pluck them?"
Well, a driving force behind this request or thought goes back to the trends and fashions of the day. Are thin eyebrows more attractive than thick ones, or do ladies feel that it is the other way around?
Reality is that the fashion before was that women plucked the heck out of their eyebrows to the point that they would just draw them on their foreheads.
Then came the fashion of having thick eyebrows, and some ladies who plucked before are trying to find ways to thicken their eyebrows again.
Moral of the story?
Sister, both thin and thick eyebrows are attractive, be content with how Allāh created you and heed the warnings of the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ in this regard.
Remember, the fashion trends changing shows you that it is a matter of taste. Every lady is unique in terms of her face, skin colour, jaw structure, and so on, and Allāh has created us in the best form.
Still not sure? Let me give it to you another way.
We men regard women like fruits, every fruit is of a different shape, colour, smell, taste, and texture, but does that mean that each one of us only likes one fruit? Of course not, let it be a fruit salad.
Well, a driving force behind this request or thought goes back to the trends and fashions of the day. Are thin eyebrows more attractive than thick ones, or do ladies feel that it is the other way around?
Reality is that the fashion before was that women plucked the heck out of their eyebrows to the point that they would just draw them on their foreheads.
Then came the fashion of having thick eyebrows, and some ladies who plucked before are trying to find ways to thicken their eyebrows again.
Moral of the story?
Sister, both thin and thick eyebrows are attractive, be content with how Allāh created you and heed the warnings of the Messenger of Allāh ﷺ in this regard.
Remember, the fashion trends changing shows you that it is a matter of taste. Every lady is unique in terms of her face, skin colour, jaw structure, and so on, and Allāh has created us in the best form.
Still not sure? Let me give it to you another way.
We men regard women like fruits, every fruit is of a different shape, colour, smell, taste, and texture, but does that mean that each one of us only likes one fruit? Of course not, let it be a fruit salad.
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Marriage, Divorce, and Social Media
I was talking to a friend yesterday, and she told me that there is an ever-growing phenomenon in the American city in which she lives: Muslim couples getting divorced left and right.
"Why are all these people getting divorced? Is there a common root cause?" I asked her.
Her reply was succinct: "Social media."
Several months ago, I met up with another sister who said something very similar to me, describing the current situation in her town, in a different American state.
In my own experience, I've also come across cases of this very thing happening.
What is going on?
Social media is a tool, like a knife or a car or any kind of device. We can use it to bring about good, or we can use it to bring about our own destruction.
But the danger that is specific to social media, whether Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or Snapchat or whatever newer thing exists nowadays, is that it carries certain distinct risks that can erode our faith, our iman, along with our marriage.
What are some of these problems with social media?
1. Distraction:
Let's face it. Facebook is addictive. So is Instagram. So is Twitter, if you don't mind the levels of insanity some folks on there regularly sink to. On all of these platforms, you just keep scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. Stuff keeps coming up! Endless entertainment. Perpetual amusement. You jump from one person's profile to another's, and go through all their pictures, and click on a name they tagged to see *that* person's page. The fun pretty much trots itself out before you; all you have to do is keep moving your index finger on the screen.
Next to this endless stream of gossip and intrigue, the conversation your spouse can offer you pales in comparison. And that's IF your spouse is even trying to engage you in conversation. Your husband is most likely on his own phone, intently following a fight on Twitter. Your wife is scrolling through pictures of other people's lives on Insta, wrapped up in their world. This couple might even be chilling on the couch together, after dinner and after the kids are in bed--looking at their phones instead of at each other. They're talking to other people online instead of to each other in real life. Where's the connection there? Where's the spark?
The marriage weakens while neither party is paying attention. The husband and wife are both otherwise occupied. It starts slow but it builds up over time. Communication, eye contact, and frequent conversations give way to silence, the glow of screens, and eyes glued to devices. If this trend of distraction keep going unchecked, a noticeable distance is created between husband and wife. All of a sudden, she says that she feels like they "don't really have much in common anymore." He says that they've "kind of drifted apart."
2. Gender barrier erosion:
Social media tends to dissolve the barrier between the genders, since we are all sitting behind the cover of a screen and not physically in the presence of others. The same types of strict observations of hayaa حياء (modesty), for people who try to observe them, seem to be easier to let go of when the interaction is entirely electronic.
Whereas in person, many Muslims would refrain from staring directly into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex, online some would feel no qualms staring at a picture of a member of the opposite sex. Whereas in person, many Muslims would feel reluctant to have a long drawn-out conversation about personal stuff with a non-mahram, online it becomes somehow easier to open up to a non-mahram about deeply private situations. The usually-rigid barrier of modesty that exists in person becomes relaxed online.
When that happens, a relationship starts to unravel fast. All of a sudden, a man starts to unburden himself to another woman: he shares his trouble at work, his frustrations in life, even his problems with his wife at home, and this other sister he's messaging is a sympathetic listener.
I was talking to a friend yesterday, and she told me that there is an ever-growing phenomenon in the American city in which she lives: Muslim couples getting divorced left and right.
"Why are all these people getting divorced? Is there a common root cause?" I asked her.
Her reply was succinct: "Social media."
Several months ago, I met up with another sister who said something very similar to me, describing the current situation in her town, in a different American state.
In my own experience, I've also come across cases of this very thing happening.
What is going on?
Social media is a tool, like a knife or a car or any kind of device. We can use it to bring about good, or we can use it to bring about our own destruction.
But the danger that is specific to social media, whether Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or Snapchat or whatever newer thing exists nowadays, is that it carries certain distinct risks that can erode our faith, our iman, along with our marriage.
What are some of these problems with social media?
1. Distraction:
Let's face it. Facebook is addictive. So is Instagram. So is Twitter, if you don't mind the levels of insanity some folks on there regularly sink to. On all of these platforms, you just keep scrolling, and scrolling, and scrolling. Stuff keeps coming up! Endless entertainment. Perpetual amusement. You jump from one person's profile to another's, and go through all their pictures, and click on a name they tagged to see *that* person's page. The fun pretty much trots itself out before you; all you have to do is keep moving your index finger on the screen.
Next to this endless stream of gossip and intrigue, the conversation your spouse can offer you pales in comparison. And that's IF your spouse is even trying to engage you in conversation. Your husband is most likely on his own phone, intently following a fight on Twitter. Your wife is scrolling through pictures of other people's lives on Insta, wrapped up in their world. This couple might even be chilling on the couch together, after dinner and after the kids are in bed--looking at their phones instead of at each other. They're talking to other people online instead of to each other in real life. Where's the connection there? Where's the spark?
The marriage weakens while neither party is paying attention. The husband and wife are both otherwise occupied. It starts slow but it builds up over time. Communication, eye contact, and frequent conversations give way to silence, the glow of screens, and eyes glued to devices. If this trend of distraction keep going unchecked, a noticeable distance is created between husband and wife. All of a sudden, she says that she feels like they "don't really have much in common anymore." He says that they've "kind of drifted apart."
2. Gender barrier erosion:
Social media tends to dissolve the barrier between the genders, since we are all sitting behind the cover of a screen and not physically in the presence of others. The same types of strict observations of hayaa حياء (modesty), for people who try to observe them, seem to be easier to let go of when the interaction is entirely electronic.
Whereas in person, many Muslims would refrain from staring directly into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex, online some would feel no qualms staring at a picture of a member of the opposite sex. Whereas in person, many Muslims would feel reluctant to have a long drawn-out conversation about personal stuff with a non-mahram, online it becomes somehow easier to open up to a non-mahram about deeply private situations. The usually-rigid barrier of modesty that exists in person becomes relaxed online.
When that happens, a relationship starts to unravel fast. All of a sudden, a man starts to unburden himself to another woman: he shares his trouble at work, his frustrations in life, even his problems with his wife at home, and this other sister he's messaging is a sympathetic listener.
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