How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.

#other
@Sickipedia

I added lunges into my workout routine.
I think it's a big step forward.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again.” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!

#other
@Sickipedia

I confessed to my wife that I get aroused by my reflection in the mirror.
She told me not to be so hard on myself.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician join a study on scientists' ability to survive in the wild

All three are left in different part of a desert island overnight, each with a can of beans but no openers.

The researchers come back in the morning to check on the scientists.

The engineer is sleeping soundly, next to an open can. Once woken up, he explains: "Well tin cans aren't that strong, so I kept bashing this can against a rock many times, until it gave in and opened up".

The physicist is also sleeping soundly (albeit in an awkward position like all physicists do), next to a neatly opened can. He goes to explain:" You see, the tension forces created by the joints between the different sheets of metal making the can means that if you apply precise forces on a few pressure points, the can just plops open. You can do this without effort, even with your bare hands"

The researchers then move on to the mathematician. As they approach him, they see that the can is still intact, while the mathematician is lying next to it in a fetal position, shivering, and continuously repeating: "Let's assume the can is open. Let's assume the can is open..."

#other
@Sickipedia

I used to be addicted to swimming
I'm happy to say that I have been dry for six months

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Why did Mike Tyson go to a Christian Plastic Surgeon?
To get a Faith Lift

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Technically, the earth IS flat
It's not like the oceans are sparkling

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I remember the first time I made love to my wife and I asked her: "Am I the first one?" She said:
"Why does everyone always ask me that?"

#other
@Sickipedia

I don't want to be xenophobic but...
It's always foreign DNA which is found at crime scenes.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Want to hear a really pedantic joke?
Well technically you're just reading it.

#antijoke
@Sickipedia

I started a support group for men with premature ejaculation.
Our first meeting will be yesterday.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

I found my wife’s Tinder profile and I am furious with all of her lies
She is NOT adventurous and fun to be around

#other
@Sickipedia

Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order a coffee and pull out sandwiches from their suitcases. An angry waitress approaches them, exclaiming "Excuse me, you can't eat your own food here!" The lawyers look at her, then at each other and exchange the sandwiches.

#other
@Sickipedia

The old church needed a fresh coat of paint

But money was tight in the budget, so the pastor figured he would save a few bucks by only buying about half the paint that was needed and thinning it out with turpentine to make it go farther. So he did this, and the next Saturday the entire congregation gathered to help paint the church.

They worked all day, from dawn til dusk, and when they were finished the church had a beautiful fresh coat of paint. But just as they were packing up to go home, storm clouds suddenly rolled in, and a torrential downpour began. The rain washed all of the thinned paint off the church's walls, undoing their whole day's work.

And a mighty voice boomed down from the heavens: "REPAINT... and thin no more!!"

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What do you call a Urologist who is on social media?
A TikTok Dick Doc

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A man walks into a gay bar..

Awhile later, he comes out

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife told our son not to play with electricity.
Now he’s grounded.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

You hear about the guy who masturbated to Jennifer Lawrence’s feet pics but he thought they were Jennifer Love Hewitt’s?
He got off on the wrong foot…

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife asked me how my job was going at the battery factory.
I told her it has its pluses and minuses.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia