Supposedly 30% of the world's population lets their pets sleep in bed with them.
I'm really upset though, because I tried it yesterday and now my goldfish is dead.

#other
@Sickipedia

After you’ve finished a case of beer, both you and the beer are drunk.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I'm only ever sick on work days, thanks to my weekend immune system.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

When Google turned 25 years old, Leonardo DiCaprio switched to Yahoo.

#other
@Sickipedia

You might think the lead singer is in charge of the band, but it's really the guitarist who is pulling all the strings.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I'm having a hard time getting the yoga instructor I hired online to leave my house...
Every time I ask them to leave, they just say “namaste”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My wife caught me sucking in my stomach while standing on the bathroom scale. "Ha! That’s not going to help" She said. "Sure, it does" I said...
It’s the only way I can see the numbers!

#other
@Sickipedia

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. "

What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him — he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

#other
@Sickipedia

What's the worst part about sitting in traffic?
Drivers constantly yelling at you to stand up and get off the road.

#other
@Sickipedia

I keep forgetting my password so I changed it to "incorrect"
Now if I forget it I just put in anything and it says "your password is incorrect".

#other
@Sickipedia

The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says.

The guy says he’ll do anything for his boss. "Ok then, take this plastic cup, go into the bathroom, jerk off, and bring it out."

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out."

The Mafia leader hands him a new cup. So the guy goes back into the bathroom and does the same thing. He walks out tired with much less in the cup than the first time. This routine goes on for three more times. The Mafia leader sees this and says, "Very good, very good. Do it one last time."

He hands him a new cup and the guy goes back into the bathroom. The guy is barely able to walk and drags himself out of the bathroom. He comes out and there's hardly a tiny drop in the cup.

The Mafia leader now says, "Alright Paulie, I want you to take my daughter to the movies and bring her back.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

My SO likes to Play "All Star" During Sex
Well, they start coming, and they don't stop coming

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Adding an extra 's' to the word needles is needless.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

What did the extraterrestrial say to the bottle of water?
Take me to your LITER!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I dated a dolphin for a while until she broke up with me.
We just weren’t clicking.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I met my recently divorced friend for a beer last week.
Obviously, I asked him how the divorce went.

"She got the best lawyers in the country, so I lost my kids, my house, my car and my dog," he said. "I have to pay half of my paycheck in child support and the other half in alimony. She gets most of my 401(k), and I even had to hand over my family's heirlooms. But I can't complain."

"Oh, so there's a bright side to all of this?"

"No, the settlement also says I can't complain."

#other
@Sickipedia

I got thrown out of a Hindu temple for saying YOLO

#other
@Sickipedia

Life is full of complications, even when you’re born there’s a string attached.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Why can't a nose be 30 cm long?
Because then it'd be a foot

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Women tell me I’m like ‘The Beatles’ of lovemaking, because I’m half dead and only appealing to the elderly.

#other
@Sickipedia