If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books,
it spells out a secret message…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

#wordplay
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In England, what is the most commonly used letter?
‘N’ - it appears twice.

#wordplay
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There are many deaths caused by alcohol, but that's fine ...
... because the number of pregnancies caused by alcohol outweighs the deaths.

#other
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When the staff won’t let me on the airplane, my instinct is to become violent. Please don't judge me for it.
We all have a fight or flight response.

#wordplay
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Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.

#other
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My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

#wordplay
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I’ve been told that icy is the easiest word to spell. Now that I’m looking at it…
I see why

#wordplay
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All i do is crush cans all day
It's sodapressing

#wordplay
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My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now

#other
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My brother named his son after our father which I wanted to do so, I changed my name to my brothers name.

Now we're Evan.

#wordplay
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Hi, I'm a termite and my name is Clint.
Clint Eatswood.

#wordplay
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A friend of mine traded his car in for a phone.
Now he's got Nokia.

#wordplay
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I was flirting with the most gorgeous woman at the bar last night. At one point I told her “Believe it or not, I have the most famous last name in all of Ireland.”
She smiled and replied, “Oh really?” And I’m like “how did you know?!”

#wordplay
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My husband told me: "You are the kind of woman they write books about".

Turns out it's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition.

#other
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What did one frog say to the other frog?

Time’s fun when you’re having flies!

#wordplay
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Two women friends run into each other on the street…

1: “Omg, it’s so good to see you! How have you been?”

2: “Not too bad. Just feeling a little bit under the weather.”

1: “What’s wrong?”

2: “Oh, it’s nothing really, just a sore throat.”

1: “You know, I actually have a trick for that. Whenever I have a sore throat, I go to my husband, and perform a bl*wjob on him. And I go down on him hard. It really does help. You should definitely try that.”

2: “I will. Thanks for the tip!”

They say goodbyes, and go their separate ways.

The very next day they run into each other again…

1: “How is your throat?”

2: “I gotta tell you, your advice actually helped. But your husband was very surprised when I showed up, and told him that you were okay with it."

#sexandshit
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"What actually is ghee?" I asked my Indian friend.
"It's butter," he clarified.

#wordplay
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Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

My Grandma just discovered Kanye West and she loves him.

She's so excited. And I told her "look. I get it. He makes amazing music and he's really talented. But he's said a lot of bad things about black people and some horrible things about Jews." And she replied "Wait. He makes music? "

#other
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I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.

#wordplay
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