Do you know how long fish should be cooked?
Probably the same as short fish.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Programmer's handbook for seniors - The Old Man and the C.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.
Einstein: “Tell me what you need. I’m here to help.”
Wife: “I just need two things right now: some space and time.”
Einstein: “Ok, so what’s the second thing?”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn't seem hurt or phased by the breakup.
It's okay," he said. "I wasn't that into her."

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

They say during Sex you burn as many calories as running 5k race
Who runs a 5k in less than a minute?

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

Recently my Girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back
And I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

What is the worst insult you can say to a ghost?

Get a life!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Chinese takeout: $10. Tip: $2. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
Riceless.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I always get asked why I only sing when the car is in reverse.
I always tell them that it's because I'm a backup singer.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"

He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.

"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.

The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."

#other
@Sickipedia

My favorite sex position is the JFK
It's when I splatter all over her face as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

A woman is playing with her one year old baby. “You’re so lucky… you slept, you ate, you played, you pooped, and then you slept again.”
Her husband’s voice from the bathroom: “Hey, it’s my day off!”

#other
@Sickipedia

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

An old couple are sitting in church when the old woman turns to her husband and says “I just let out a silent fart what should I do?”
The Husband says “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

Got drunk and made a pass at my girlfriend's mom and now my girlfriend's furious.
She yelled: "Why the fuck did you just throw that football at my mom?!"

#worpdplay
@Sickipedia

My girlfriend is my rock
When I need her, she just stays there and does nothing.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Women are refusing to sleep with men now that trump got re-elected
Apparently, my wife predicted the election two years ago!

#other
@Sickipedia

The guy who invented umbrella was originally going to call it "brella"
But he hesitated

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".
I am pretty sure about it.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia