Why is there a K instead of a C in "dark"?
Because you can't c in the dark.

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

A customer in an Italian restaurant is so pleased with his meal that he insists on telling the chef personally. The owner proudly leads him into the kitchen. “Your pizza is superb,” the customer tells the chef. “I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there.” “Naturally,” the chef says. “Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!”

#other
@Sickipedia

My math teacher said I was just average
That's mean

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I asked my GF if she likes 6 inch or 12 inch
She got offended and said it is a matter of personal choice. Going to Subway for a sandwich can be difficult.

#other
@Sickipedia

How do you circumsize a Redneck?
Kick his sister in the chin.

#sexandshit
@Sickipedia

My friend told me that he never heard of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity before today.
I said, “It’s about time!”

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

I am on a train and the guy collecting tickets wants to charge me extra because he heard me telling dad jokes
I told him that's not fare!

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven?
Because ten plus ten equals twenty and eleven plus eleven equals twenty too

#wordplay
@Sickipedia

The punchline comes before the joke.
You know why I hate time travel jokes?

#other
@Sickipedia

My wife said she is divorcing me saying that I was to un-American.
Saw it coming from a kilometer away.

#other
@Sickipedia

I was watching some vintage porn last night when my wife walked in. That was a shock...
I didn't even know she used to work in the porn industry

#oldbutgold
@Sickipedia

Me: "Dad, do you know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"
Dad: "No."
Me: "So it was you."

#other
@Sickipedia

Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative?
Sure, but what does "ternative" mean?

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I couldn't help but notice the help wanted sign outside the bar."
"Our piano player unexpectedly died last week," says the bartender, "so we've been looking for a new one on short notice."

"Well, the timing seems to have worked perfectly!" says the guy. "I got fired from my job a week ago, and I don't like to brag, but I consider myself a pretty good piano player. I even wrote a few songs."

The guy sits down at the piano and starts to play a song.

"That's a very nice song you're playing," says the bartender.

"Thanks," says the guy. "I call it 'I Just Threw Up on my New Shirt'. It's the first song I ever wrote." Then he starts to play another song. "Of all the songs I've ever written, this is my favourite. I call it 'Holes in my Underwear'."

"I'm willing to hire you on one condition," says the bartender. "When you play your songs, don't announce the titles." The guy agrees to the condition and is hired.

A few days later, the guy is playing the piano at the bar. After finishing a song, he gets up to use the bathroom. When he comes back, everyone in the bar stares at him in shock. For a moment, there is complete silence.

Finally, someone says, "Do you know your fly is open?"

"Know it?" comes the reply. "I wrote it!"

#other@Sickipedia

I went to the hairdressers and said, “Can I have a haircut like Tom Cruise?”
So they gave me a cushion to sit on.

#other@Sickipedia

I'm furious that I can't write out 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
In fact, I M LI VI D.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I warned my friend to not play Russian Roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

I told my date I didn’t like her talking about her late boyfriend
She told me she’d stop whenever I start showing up on time.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun caught watching porn.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

My professor farted in front of the whole class today
I would have preferred a private tutor

#wordplay@Sickipedia