Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My landlord said he wants to talk with me about my high heating bill
I told him my door is always open

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

For your birthday you get to choose your present: either a Hispanic man or a swimming mammal.
But it has to be Juan or the otter.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was…just too much history between us.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

"What are your dogs' names?"

Me: "Calvin and Klein."

"Isn't that a brand of underwear?"

Me: "Exactly, they're boxers."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A cowboy is riding through the plains with his Native American guide….

….after a time, the native dismounts, and puts his ear to the ground. As he stands up, he says,”Buffalo come.” The cowboy says,”How can you tell? Just from listening for their sounds? Or feeling vibrations through the earth?” The native says,”Ear sticky.”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I had a big fight with my wife,
I yelled at her, "When you finally die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah well," she shouted back, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that says, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

#roast@Sickipedia

My neighbor called to complain that my dog was chasing people on a bike.
That's ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I once met a girl with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I broke up with my girlfriend because she’s left handed
It wasn’t right.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

I told my wife she must have extra electrons
Because she’s negative and unstable.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My sex life is a lot like my photos.

Mostly selfies.

#sexandshit@Sickipedia

The woman says to her husband: "If i had known you were so poor, i wouldn't have married you."
Husband: "But i told you that you were the most valuable thing in my life."

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs!

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Why do IT people have trouble telling Christmas from Halloween?
Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My wife asked my to read Pride and Prejudice, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I feel like the book is going to bore me.

#other@Sickipedia

I accidentally changed the car GPS Voice to “Male."
Now it says, “It's around here somewhere. Keep driving."

#other@Sickipedia

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
Because they'd crack each other up

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Our friend confessed to us that a few years ago, he had a third nipple surgically removed.
I’m glad…he got that off his chest.

#wordplay@Sickipedia