My girlfriend takes chess too seriously.
In bed, she can mate me in 4 moves.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you call a T-Rexs wife who sleeps with everyone?
A Dino's whore

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey!"
The Horse replies "You just read my mind!!"

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Curious what you guys think about one sixtieth of a minute?
I'm just looking for a second opinion

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Un-bee-leavable

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A guy finds a genie who offers him one wish. Already rich and happy, he asks to always climax at the same time as his wife.
A few weeks later, he’s back rubbing the lamp.

“Genie, I need to undo that wish.”

The genie asks, “Why? Did something go wrong?”

“No, it works fine. But picture this: I’m at the bar with my buddies, playing cards, having a beer... then boom—orgasm.”

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

What is the difference between Americans and IT support?
Americans don't have troubleshooting.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Two guys walk into a bar. "Hey DONKEY get the beers in!" shouts one guy to the other."

The barman says to the guy, "That's a bit mean, why does he call you Donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, he aw... he aw... he always calls me Donkey."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My buddy quit his job at BMW.
He of course gave no indication that he was leaving.

#roast@Sickipedia

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry but we don’t serve bacteria here”
To which the bacteria reply with “But we work here, we’re Staph !!”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A screwdriver walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey !! We have a drink named after you !!”
To which the screwdriver replies “You have a drink named Phillip??”

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
That….was a third degree burn.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, "Gender Reveal, Mom. It's called a Gender Reveal."

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Every night for bedtime stories, my son insists I read the label on a can of WD-40.
He’s really into non-friction.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

A Neutron walks into a bar. It asks “How much for a drink??”
To which the bartender replies with “For you?? No charge.”

#wordplay@Sickipedia

My low-fuel indicator keeps coming on even though I have plenty in the tank...
I think my car may be gas lighting me.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

Yo momma is so old...
When I told her to act her age she died

#oldbutgold@Sickipedia

My wife started putting a miniature Stallone doll in the middle of our bed a few months ago.
Things….have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

What do you call it when Optimus prime gets a handjob?
A carjacking.

#wordplay@Sickipedia

"The thing about 'dad jokes' is..."
"...you just change the 'd' to 'b' and you have the truth."

#wordplay@Sickipedia